Not a Beginner, Not a Competitor

I spent some time this weekend researching different health and fitness gurus on YouTube, looking for more information about where to take my training and my journey from here. While it was entertaining and I got a little bit of information out of it, I also discovered a problem: None of what I found was really right for me.

I’m not a beginner. Once upon a time, I was a certified personal trainer and health coach. I’ve been consistently physical more now than ever before, but I’ve gone through several phases like this. I need more of a challenge than bodyweight exercises. I know the basics for putting together a fitness program. I know where to start for meal prep. I know how to tailor what I do to fit my goals.

At the same time, I have no intention of competing. I thought about it, sure. But ultimately, when I look at images of competitors when they’re actually competing, that’s not what I want to look like. I don’t want the crazy spray tan and muscles so defined that the body doesn’t even look real or what I consider attractive.

This isn’t a diss by any stretch – people who compete are 100% badass, and push themselves to limits that most people are too scared shitless to do. So they just don’t. That said, what these competitors achieved, what their goals are, they’re not the same as my goals. So the advice and guidance they have to offer doesn’t really appeal to me as much.

I am plopped right in the middle. Not a beginner, not a competitor. I’m a health and fitness enthusiast who knows and is capable of more than the basics, and my goals are not really the main-stream goals I found others talking about. I just hit the start of week 8 of the program I’m doing now. I’ve got about another 5 or so to go. Then it’s over. And dammit, I’ve worked too fucking hard to get to the end and not have what I need to keep going and keep challenging myself. So I’ve started preparing, and this is the spot between a rock and a hard place where I’ve found myself.

It really got me thinking it’s time to tailor my search a little more specifically for what I’m looking for and how things relate to my goals. While I don’t expect to find much, there’s no such thing as an original idea, it seems, so I’m sure I’ll find something. But it also made me realize that it’s time to optimize this blog a little more.

My journey is about finding happiness. It’s about building mental, physical, and emotional strength, and controlling my depression rather than allowing it to control me. It’s about achieving my strongest and healthiest self through positive, productive habits. Being the best me that I can be for myself and for the people I love. Conquering my demons. So that’s where my focus here needs to be.

And I know that there are others who struggle with the same or similar demons that I do. So it may be time to come out of my shell a little bit and vlog (eesh). I’ll admit, it’s not my favorite idea. I’m actually a very private person, and even putting myself out here this much is tough for me. But there’s something about seeing a real person and hearing their story and relating to their challenges that can be inspiring and motivating. So maybe it’s time.

Plus, you know, people don’t read. Then there’s that.